I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Screwed.edu
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
