What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
