fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
