You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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