Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I will die if light touches me.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sacagawea was the original milf.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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