I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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