Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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