I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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