i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
