I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
