I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
