It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
