you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So vagazzling was a success
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
