well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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