oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
