I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
