Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
