I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
