he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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