everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
