Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
