I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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