So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize