We're facebook friends in real life
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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