When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
