if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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