Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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