The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
