at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
