dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
