Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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