I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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