Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
