I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
