Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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