all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i will never coherently bang her
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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