What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
