i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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