we have pet lesbian snakes
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
