No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
