So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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