She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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