someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
