I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
