When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
