i wish there were pregnant emoticons
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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