They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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