someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
