Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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