I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Drake has all the answers
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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