4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
