No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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