Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
