I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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