Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
