Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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