so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
