some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
