im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My balls are so social today.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
