The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That accounts for only three of the penises
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
