I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
