Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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