apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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