Betty ford says i'm here all night
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
